Introducing...

MICHAEL!

Product Specifications

Age: 33

Height: 5' 11"

Produced in DC, shipping available by request.

Compatible with women, though only one user may use a Michael™ license at any given time.

Michael™ does not come with religion installed, but can work with partners that do.

Certified "Best in Class" Boyfriend by J.D. Power & Associates, and rated as a Top Pick by Consumer Reports for all Mid-Size Boyfriends

Get the Most out of your Michael Dating™ Experience by going swing dancing, taking difficult hikes in the mountains, playing any measure of game together (board, video, or TTRP), deriving pleasure from Microsoft Excel, cheering along to his many sports allegiances*, and signing the End User License Agreement.

Michael is best for those who believe that life itself is a miracle to be treasured, personal responsibility is the highest virtue, and that a person can never be a means to someone else's ends.

* Failure to cheer may void warranty

Your Michael Dating™ Experience is good for 1-2 years. If you are pleased with your experience at the end of the License Agreement, we encourage you to upgrade to the Michael Marriage™ package, which comes with a lifetime guarantee.

Terms and conditions of Michael Marriage™ include interest in starting a family and having children. Interest in relocating to the DC Metro Area is not mandatory but highly beneficial to a successful application.

Testimonials

"All around earnest, kind, and upstanding person who will do his best to treat you right." - @Actualwebutante

"I just want to recognize how [he's] been committed to being the nucleus of social events for our whole extended friend group for years now at this point" - Ted

Collect all six!

Click here to order!

Supplies limited, act now!

Legal Disclaimers

By proceeding, the Applicant (Hereafter referred to as "Pretty Girl") releases Michael™ from all liability relating, but not limited to, 1) being swept off one's feet, 2) heart palpitations, or 3) butterflies in the stomach.

Void where prohibited, valid on Twitter and the DC Metro Area.

While your Michael™ is compatible with most forms of cardio exercise, exposure to running will void the warranty.

Michael Dating™ may be returned at any time, though any hoodies held as collateral must be returned with your Michael.

If you are a representative of Mattel, Inc., and are contacting us in regards to ongoing litigation over accusations of Michael Dating™ violating the Ken© branding copyright, please forward your correspondence to our legal counsel at ClownSchool@RinglingBrothers.com.